Thursday, April 28, 2005

Personal Entry- Loose Ends

Before me, they both stood. Worry consumed their eyes, I could see their gaze shift to each other every so often as they searched for what was happening. It was time. Time for me to take the next step in my life.

Ever since I injured Scarlet and the…schism…the split within, I have not been well. Luckily, I was able to recognize the anger consuming me from within and, apparently, subconsciously, I was able to wall it off. Only during times of extreme stress or violence, did it break out. These were becoming more and more frequent. I was quickly loosing control. The strain on my body, whenever I returned to a calmer state was becoming too much. Several days at a time, I would be bed-ridden. This condition is not one which an Imperial Officer can have during a war, and survive. Too many people are dependent upon me, I cannot fail them, I will not fail them.

I hope that they will be strong for me, for themselves, and each other. To see the only two loves of my life standing side by side, without a knife in the hand waiting for the other…concern consuming their face, worry filling their eyes…It pained me to part. A shiver went through my body as I felt waves of fear radiate from both of them. It is my hope that I have ensured both of their safety. I worry for both of them. Scarlet: powerful, yet innocent and headstrong. She is not careless, but she needs help from time to time, someone to lean on. With my departure and Deomo’s battle, there are not many left that I trust. Ebe is one of the few. With only a word, she will do what I need her to, no money is necessary, no coercing. Others, I still trust, but not as explicitly as my ex wife. Commander Carrick strikes me as an honorable Imperial Officer, he will do his duty, but he will do what is right. I know what I ask of him is not easy. To harbor a rebel within his ranks. The 1,000,000 credits should facilitate the paperwork and turn the necessary heads the other way. I will owe him significantly.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Personal Entry- Last Days

It was worrisome to watch. She fought with anger and vengeance on her mind. The voices bid she take revenge for their deaths. Scarlet has not fully recovered from her ordeal with Meela, her battle skills are rusty. That compounded with her lack of focus, found us soon overwhelmed in the bowels of Lord Nyax’s compound. There was little I could do. It took all my effort to keep up with her, to keep her on her feet as she fought the misled followers with all of her strength. We fell. Shot down by Lord Nyax himself. He was gracious enough to allow the cloning bots to our bodies. With a bow and a smirk, he turned as they swiftly carried us away.

I am glad to have had the chance to fight, side by side with Scarlet before I began my…journey. It opened my eyes to what must be done in my absence. Someone must carry on and ensure she finishes what she started with her training. She will need the skills, as I will soon not be able to stand by her side. With Deomo being an unknown, I cannot count on his return either. I will ensure she has a trainer, some one to keep an eye on her, and ensure she puts forth the necessary effort to master her fighting techniques.

I hope she also refocuses her efforts into the temple. The anger and vengeance was not something I have seen from Scarlet before, even when she was deep in the feral. I would imagine the weakness could be from many things…hormonal imbalance after carrying Meela, The vulnerability at Lord Nyax’s…even I felt the voices…

Focus my love, focus and strength. You will need both if you are to have a chance during the upcoming weeks. You will need to be strong for all of us: me, Meela, Deomo, the Temple…I hope, no…I pray that some day you will be able to follow me to where I must go. Until that day…

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Personal Entry- Fate's End Part II

Around she spun, as graceful as a shadow dancing across the landscape…A simple Imperial private, taking a respite from the war to toy with some hearts in the cantina. An evil permeated her, a darkness…she bent her body, swaying to the music, her piercing eyes looking at her simple-minded prey. Foolish men…so weak of mind…She will pick one out: one to take home, and feed upon. A lifestyle I have not come across through my travels, but my research indicates she is infected with the strain. No wonder the empire has recruited her. The bloodlust in an agent is a powerful tool. While I relish in it, she feeds upon it. Potome is a force to be reckoned with. She could prove to be very useful. I still have some scores to settle.

My thoughts were interrupted by the crass intrusion of a squad of Imperials on patrol, trying to ferret out rebels. One approached a known rebel sympathizer with whom I have become acquainted with. He threatened her and soon realized he was on the ground. He never saw the backhand coming that struck him so hard, he was dropped to his knees. I flashed my credentials to him and he apologized profusely. Soon another squad entered. Odd, a Colonel on patrol. Carrick approached me and introduced himself. He is the leader of a platoon of grunts and pilots with a call sign of TIE. He seemed very honorable, unusual in an Imperial Commander where usually the highest bidder wins. My thoughts again returned to loose ends I needed to…tie off…Perhaps TIE could assist me as well. We will see.

Why are my thoughts consumed by the end game? Why am I suddenly focused on all events left unfinished? Perhaps I have come to realize it is time. I know what I must do. Most of my time has been split between doing my job and helping those I love. Now, it is time to help myself. 72 hours straight of studying an intensive medical course series, has earned me the classification of Master Surgeon. I need to focus my efforts on solving this schism once and for all. Medical knowledge will not be enough, I know this now. My studies will have to be taken elsewhere. To some other place…A place separated form all others…from those I love…

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Personal Entry- Fate's End Part I

I have discovered what I have become, or rather, what I have always been. My bloodlust and desire to inflict pain was always masked by my innate desire to help those that cannot help themselves, and to also protect those dear to me. The shame of my recent failures caused a schism within. The dark desires: the hate, the shame, the desire to witness death at my own hand, were walled off, only to be seen when provoked. I began to record my comm. communications with my business associates, and those less savory. Although Tempestia is, for all intents and purposes, a mercenary, she is one in which I hold in high regard. During the recorded conversation I heard a distinct change in my voice. It was not me, yet…it was…I snapped on her, my words hitting my ears again brought forth a furry that brought me to my knees. So this is what Scarlet and Ebe have been worried about. This is why they want me to go to a medic. But who can help me? An Imperial Doctor? Unlikely…if it were not for the manipulation of records, I would surely be a candidate for the cloning campaign for stormtroopers. With the human intellect combined with the hint of Zabrak feral blood…Rebel Doctors? Regardless of what Scarlet may be able to provide, I doubt they would let an Imperial Officer loose so freely after treating him. I do not blame them. We are at war.

What then? Who can help me? Where can I turn? I do not think I can live like this…with this split in my mind, this constant battle, the constant turmoil. Who will win? What will be left of me once the battle is over?